That moment when…

That moment when you realize that you cannot hide anymore, run… walk… crawl  anymore…Away…away from the naked brutal reality staring right back at you. It piercing your very soul! It forces you down. You are engulfed in its cold heavy embrace.. You on the verge of suffocating yet fighting. Your throat heavy , eyes filled with piercing tears your body numb and heavy. Strangely, how time suspends all belief and you find yourself questioning everything you believed and perceived to be. Oh, you cry out but your pain finds no relief. These are stages they say…Time will heal they say. What if I don’t want to get over the pain. What if I need to embrace the pain to keep you by my side? The pain -oh, now my friend. I feel you !The  thick Heaviness coating my body .It dragging me down .Yet… I see you now. The pain. The hurt. The Illness.  It propelling you forward unable to turn around. You hear  me from so far away now. That moment when you realize that other part of her has taken over. You  remain by her side with the sinking sensation and piercing chill down your very being that you cannot reach her. She…she is losing the battle with that other part of herself. The illness…the puppeteer forcefully  pushing her forward like a mere string doll on the verge of falling- the fall that offers NO return. It is with horror that you cry out …No you must not die…Why do you say this Mutti? I need you, my kids need you. Please, Bitte Mutti bitte ich flehe dich an. I beg you Mutti are you there?   Then that shattering soundless vacuum of screaming Silence…Mutti? Ich möchte das du weisst wenn ich nicht mehr da bin das ich dich liebe. I want you to know that I will always love you. I want you to know that even when I am not here anymore  I will always love you.  Oh, Mutti, Oh Mutti, NOOOOO. That moment you realize that you could not save her this time.  Heaviness embrace me now and let me feel you… The Pain within embracing me …caressing me. Oh, Mutti.

schizophrenia-1

 

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